Note: This is an extension of the previous Blog post shown on “Resistances to Change (8/14/18)”  Most of the personal matters shared below are not really covered in the Book.  The Book is strictly about Others to Help them, and only contains snippets of my experiences other than in the Book’s “optional section” 1.2 …. e.g. I was a wanna be hippie growing up :)…

For So Very Long, I was thinking and addressing excuses to myself, and at times to others, not feeling well and all.  For Years, I was thinking Why (?!), and What (!?) is going on, being in denial of what reality was telling me…  This could be Life’s pattern for years for others as it was for me.  And as addressed per my last post (just below this one), it is common as a human, to not want change nor accept the need for change, and to develop all those Resistances to Change often necessary to amend Serious matters.  This negative thinking/behavior can go on and on as we dig our own hole(s) deeper and deeper into abyss(es) of pain we create for ourselves; and we don’t realize what we are doing!

As a Junior and Senior in high school, I was thinking, yeah, I have some things going on but thought, as I get older and wiser, that stuff will go away… thinking I’ll figure it out, and  I’ll be fine, more or less, with quite a bit more of the “less” going on…  I felt like maybe I was a bit different and was confused which I thought was the norm at that age. Then upon graduation, I thought, I am going to college to become an Engineer, so I’ll figure all this out, eventually…  Yeah right :)!… Now I can :),  but Certainly not at the time.

Had similar gyrations and feelings through college, but thought, nothing Serious yet going on, although impossible to figure out.  And as I graduated college and started my job at Douglas Aircraft in Long Beach, CA., I was thinking yeah, all will be ok after all, as I was engaged with a number of things going on with my move across the country, planning and all; sufferers do our best on how we are feeling (relatively speaking only) when we are busy (busy minded).

Just prior to my move from Syracuse, N.Y, to CA., I went to the doctor for a general check-up including a first time blood pressure check. The high blood pressure readings were an indication, things were not right which I just doubted/ignored.  The doctor prescribed me blood pressure medication, and Valium since he sensed something was iffy and thought it could come in handy in my move.  I should have been Hmmm??, at that time but I just thought whatever…

But when things settled down after the move, during those quiescent times/moments, that is when the emotional pains began to escalate, as is usually the case.   I never really felt comfortable within or about myself ,and the feelings of Anxiety (mainly at first), with some Depression then, really began to surface. I kinda sensed then, those earlier in Life thoughts of … I’ll be fine was just wishful thinking going on.  But I did nothing to change course which is often so typical.

As I grew older with more responsibilities, I was feeling worse, much more often than not.  I was feeling So Confused and Troubled and seriously felt like I was just limping from problem to problem, day to day regardless of the extent of the problems going on; before too long the littlest of things seemed to set me off which it does in fact amount to. Had lots of Anticipation Anxiety going on worrying about matters for the next day or future days ahead.    Consequently, had all this Anxiety & Depression going off within me, with no real clue what it really was nor, what to do about it.  If and when we have lots of anxiety going on, that does become very depressing over time.  Resultant negative thinking and body/brain chemistry impacts can become overwhelming. 

Meanwhile, I would always force a smile on the outside, putting on a front, but inside, I was churning, grinding, and dying it felt like…  And I must have been pretty good at that since, other than a Lady Friend/confidant I would talk to, no one knew I was struggling or how bad things really were.  I would often go talk to her about Life and this or that and often say, yeah the blood pressure medication is the reason I am not feeling really good now (who was I kidding?).  I was just creating more stories of Denial, within myself and in what I was saying to her.

And this continued through into marriage, including through the time having a Beautiful Child/ Son in 1990, constantly putting on that smile for the Good Reasons, and for my front, to cover up my insides.  I was always there for my Son even though it was very difficult at times, having to go to meetings and things like that!  I was close to being Agoraphobic at  the time, but forced the issue to press on.  As far as being a Good Spouse in the marriage, I was extremely Responsible, but I was not easy to say the least at times; my wife knew of my growing fragility as the years passed by.

In 1999, I Sadly devised a plan to end my Life. I made an apparatus to stick into my car’s tail pipe and feed into the passenger quarters where I would be when I decided to take that drive.   I did turn myself into a psychiatrist who in-turn had me sent to a Psych ward for like 4-5 days.  From that, I did realize and finally admitted I had Anxiety and Depression for so many years.  But I had Zero trust in the mental health “professionals” as they only seemed to want to medicate me, but did not seem to be able to help me in any other way.  I discuss some of this experience in the Book.  After attempting medication, I hated any thought of it since it just made matters worse for me at the time.

In Late July/2002, I made a Serious U-turn in Life and Finally Accepted Change only upon  listening to the Lady (“My Angel”) I learned from, who was a Major Sufferer as I was. She made Total Sense in what she was saying (Oh My God … THANKS Finally!!!!!), and Just Knew Me (Sufferers) as she was talking on a radio station. She (my Angel!) Saved my Life and, Yes, the Fully Experienced & Educated Individuals (such as I now), are the most Caring, Knowledgeable, and BEST, by a wide margin, in Truly Helping People dealing with A & D Issues or similar vs. the slew of mental health “professionals” I have met in my Life.  I Truly felt I began my Life Then, at age 46,  as I migrated through her program.  But yet I made some big mistakes in the process of learning, being impatient and all and moving way too fast through the process missing a few Key things that caught up with me later in life; I do share those mistakes in the Book since I do not want to see others make them.  But nonetheless I was a Different/Much More Positive Person.  Now though, after doing and getting things Right, I am likely one of the Most Content People one could meet, and that is with a Big :), which matches what is Truly going on inside.

So, to you all, no one needs to go through such struggles and pains in Life as I have gone through, and play those Resistances to Change games.

Take Care All, and Have a Good Day if not a Great Day and :).  And again, if ya just can’t, then Please Seriously consider this and learn the True approach in dealing with all those negative thinking based Issues.  Read on my Friends!

Ron